


All The Lies, All The Why's, Will All Be Crystal Clear

by unoriginalrhombus



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-18
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-29 17:09:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginalrhombus/pseuds/unoriginalrhombus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After returning from FTL, Emma shows up at Regina's door, drunk. "Emma Swan embodies everything that Regina despises and Regina hates everything about her on principle. Her existence is a lie, just like everything else that true love alludes to. There are no happy endings, love doesn't conquer all, and true love is as useless as this world."</p>
            </blockquote>





	All The Lies, All The Why's, Will All Be Crystal Clear

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I decided to jump on the Swan Queen wagon! I'm not certain if I have Regina's voice down, so please read and review and let me know! You guys are super duper awesome!
> 
> Disclaimer: Spoilers up until 2x10. Oh, and I own nothing nor do I profit off of this story, etc. I wish I owned Once Upon a Time, but I do not.

It starts off as a drunken mistake.

She's preoccupied, like always, with the thoughts in her head. It used to be easier to ignore them. It used to be easier to pretend like she wasn't the Evil Queen Henry claimed her to be. But these days Henry's gone, and Regina can barely do much to silence the thoughts. They nitpick at her, tumble around, and whisper in rumbles. The voices eat Regina alive. They send her constant reminders of how easily she could destroy every single one of _them_.

All she would have to do is use a little bit of magic.

 _No_.

Regina placed her index finger on her temple. She rubbed in circles, trying to placate the headache that she could already feel brewing. She wasn't very good at handling headaches anymore.

So Regina did what she always did these days. She grabbed the closest bottle of scotch and poured it into her coffee mug. She didn't stop until her glass was practically overflowing with scotch (and a tiny bit of coffee).

It isn't worth it, Regina notes, because no matter how much she drinks to forget about today, she'll still wake up and remember it tomorrow. But fog is better than whispers, and she's always been a fan of weighing her options until she got something better.

She's halfway through her third cup when she hears her doorbell ring.

(She hopes that it's Henry.

Regina knows that it's not.)

It isn't until the fourth ring that Regina decides to get up. The nuisance from outside obviously isn't going to go away without her select...attention. She may not be much anymore, but she was still capable of instilling fear of the peasants that dared bother her.

* * *

The sight that greets her when she finally makes her way downstairs, is horrifying. Emma Swan (The Savior) is on Regina's porch in all of her stupid glory.

Emma Swan embodies everything that Regina despises and Regina hates everything about her on principle. Her existence is a lie, just like everything else that true love alludes to.

There are no happy endings, love doesn't conquer all, and true love is as useless as this world.

Emma pushes her way into Regina's house the same way that she pushed into Storybrooke, without warning and without an invitation. Regina's movements are slowed because of the liquor, but even so, she finds that she doesn't have much desire to put any extra effort into this interaction. There are no pretenses here, there's no Henry to impress and no illusion to uphold. There is no winning or losing for Regina, not anymore, not right now. So she closes the door behind Emma and gulps down the rest of her Scotch.

Regina has words she wants to say, words that are careless and full of emotion, but instead she leaves them as thoughts. These days all she had were her thoughts. Frankly, they were getting harder and harder to ignore. Especially since Emma returned with Snow from Fairy Tale Land and took Henry. Especially since no one cared enough to think that Regina might actually want to see _her_ son.

The boy Regina raised for ten years. The boy she tried (and perhaps failed) to love. The boy who pushed her towards the old Regina, the first one (the kind one).

The Charming's were as pretentious and self-righteous as they come, and it drove Regina _mad_. Perhaps Regina was truly evil, but at least she never claimed to be otherwise. She drew her lines in the sand and let everyone know exactly where she stood. There was no confusion.

The problem with these Charmings was that they were constant reminders of her failures, of her deficits. They didn't believe in grey areas, they only saw black and white.

Would it kill them to gain a little color?

Regina shakes her head at the thought. She has to admit, she's a little curious as to what brings Emma to her door at two in the morning, no Henry and no town mob behind her.

_Emma._

Regina's gaze finds the girl in question, leaning against her wall. She's wearing her blue leather jacket, jeans, and boots, and it makes Regina wonder if she's taken any time to actually shop for a new attire considering the one she has is horrendous. Regina squints because looking at things is hard right now, and she notices how Emma looks completely rough around the edges.

Well, more so than usual.

Regina sighs, her demeanor shifting from curious to frustrated. She doesn't have time for this and for a Queen, her patience has always been incredibly thin. Regina raises her eyebrows at Emma in what she hopes is a threatening fashion, but honestly, the alcohol makes it hard to tell. "Why are you here, Ms. Swan?"

Emma snaps her head up to look at Regina, as if she'd almost forgotten that she was in Regina's home. At two am in the morning. Reeking of Whiskey and, jesus, marijuana. Regina scrunches her nose at the smell that finally hits her.

Emma frowned, as if she's almost as clueless to this little rendezvous as Regina is. "I didn't know what else to do."

"Excuse me, Ms. Swan, but do you care to explain how that is my problem? You're the Savior, remember?" Regina sneers. She's cruel because it's much easier to lash out then it is to be patient, at least for Regina.

Emma doesn't rise to Regina's challenge. Instead she stuffs her hands in her pockets, her shoulders slumping with her head. "Is it normal to constantly feel like you're going crazy?"

Regina falters, and the smile that was close to gracing her features disappears. This isn't the usual direction that their conversations always take. There was an unspoken rule about honesty between them, and this is the first time that Emma has ever said anything that wasn't an insult or concerning Henry.

"Why are you here?" Regina repeats, because she doesn't know what to say, she never has.

Emma rubs her hand over her face in irritation and Regina feels an instant urge to kick her out. Everything about this moment is unwanted and unwarranted, and Regina doesn't have to deal with it if she doesn't want to. She's never been particularly good at dealing with anything of merit, and she doesn't want to start now.

Before she gets the chance to push Emma out though, Emma grabs Regina's wrist and pulls her close, as if she's telling her a well kept secret. "Everyone is so fucked up."

It's not an admission, not really, but it's something sweeter and Regina finds herself pulling away in amusement. She wonders, briefly, if it's as exhausting being constantly hopeful and good as it is being cruel.

"Why don't you come sit down, Ms. Swan." Regina states more than she asks. It's clear that Emma has no intention of leaving so shortly, and Regina is far too much of a curious Cathy to turn the girl away now. However, her hatred still runs deep, so she pulls Emma into her study because if she has to be around the product of true love, she'll need a drink.

Emma doesn't protest, to Regina's new location or to the drink that Regina hands her. Her silence speaks loudly to Regina, and it doesn't take a genius to see that The Savior was sinking low.

Regina pushes Emma onto her couch and takes the armchair that's a few feet away. She brings her Scotch to her lips and waits, without patience, for Emma to say something that Regina can actually _use_. Though for what, she isn't really sure.

Emma fiddles with the glass in her hands, her eyes downcast and her shoulders hunched forward. "I," Emma starts, her eyes changing focus and shifting to Regina's carpet. "I hate it here."

Regina halts her movements, her glass halfway to her mouth and her hand gripping her armchair. "Excuse me?" Is what leaves her mouth because she's too caught in disbelief to push out anything else.

Emma makes a weird sound, almost as if she's wailing from anguish, before her eyes meet Regina's. "They keep telling me that you're evil."

"I am."

Emma shakes her head furiously, her hair sticking out in weird places and her drink slightly spilling over her pants. "No, you're a bitch. It's not the same thing."

It's a curious thing to say and even more curious to hear. It's the first time that someone has ever denied the claim that Regina was evil and in an instant Regina concludes that Emma is drunk. Obnoxiously so, because only a drunk (insane) person would assume that Regina is anything but evil.

She makes sure to say as much. "You're drunk."

Emma matches her gaze. "So are you."

Regina rolls her eyes, Emma's response is as flimsy as Regina's status as a mother. "Either say something that I don't already know or get the hell out of my house. I don't need to be in your presence and I don't want to tolerate it for longer than I need to."

Emma snaps up at Regina's words and Regina can't help but grin; it's nice to know she still has it. Emma looks at Regina as if she sees her, really sees her, and it's discomforting. Regina clears her throat and it stops Emma's gaze on the spot. Instead the blonde looks back down at the carpet. "Being here, being The Savior...it feels like a chore. It feels like every time I speak to these people, for these people...it feels like they take another piece of me. But I do it because that's what Mary-I mean, Snow, wants me to do. That's what I'm _supposed_ to do. I do it and I hate it." Emma spits the last part out as if she's admitting something vile. "I hate all of it, I hate the expectations, I hate how awfully good everyone is and how good they expect me to be. I hate-God, I don't hate Henry, but I hate his faith and God...he's so _annoying_ with his good and evil mantra, as if there's no possible way for someone to be _both_." Emma looks up at Regina then and Regina feels her heart pause along with her breath. "I hate that they call you evil when you're the one who raised Henry for ten years because I didn't want to, in my eyes you can't be evil because he's so...perfect. Perfectly annoying."

Regina laughs on accident because that's her son in a nutshell. He's sweet and lovely, but annoying and headstrong. She laughs because Henry is-and has always been- her saving grace.

Her saving grace is Henry, not because she loves him at first sight, but because he reminds her of an innocence she hasn't seen child Snow White. He reminds Regina that not all things start off being bad, he reminds her that evil isn't something you're always born with, it's something you gain over time.

Regina laughs because she hated Henry at first sight, because she despised him at first glance. He was a vile little creature that Regina was not equipped to deal with, and during that first year she often regretted her decision to adopt a child.

But after a year, something amazing happened. Henry looked at her and he called her "mama" and it was her undoing. Everything since then has been for and because of him. So she laughs, because Regina gets it, she gets Emma. She finds it hilarious that the person she basically created is so much like her, and yet, is still the cause of Regina's demise.

"What's so funny?" Emma asked, her face crumpled in anger and her hand gripping her glass tightly.

Regina shrugged and stood up, her feet carrying her over to her liquor cabinet. She decides to forgo the cup at this point because, really, it's obvious that the her night will only end drunkenly. She carries the bottle back towards the living room and instead chooses to sit on the couch, her feet crossing underneath her as she tried to get comfortable. Emma looks at her as if she's insane, as if distance is the only problem between them and Regina almost laughs again.

Emma doesn't look amused so Regina shrugs again and brings the bottle to her lips. She offers it to Emma after noticing that the blonde had already emptied her cup of alcohol. "Look, Ms. Swan, I'm not capable of giving you advice if that's what you're seeking. I don't know how to help you with the problems that occur in your perfect life, and nor do I want to. The only thing I can seem to manage these days is waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night, because those things require very little effort. And even those things require some assistance." Regina points to the bottle in Emma's hand. "I don't know why you came here or what you're looking for, but I'm certain I can't give it to you. I don't want to listen and I don't know how to be friends, because frankly, I don't want to be yours."

If her words hurt Emma, it doesn't show, and that's more of a testament to their newfound relationship than anything Regina could ever say. Emma lifted the bottle to her mouth and took a giant swig before handing the bottle back to Regina.

Regina rolled her eyes again and almost scolded herself at the women she was becoming. Her mother would have tore her a new one if she could see the way Regina was acting. Drinking from a bottle, shrugging, rolling her eyes...they were all side effects of the intrusion that was Emma Swan.

"Can I ask you something?" Emma asks, shifting the conversation even though Regina wasn't really done.

"No." Regina answers, quickly and soundly.

Emma ignores Regina's answer and pushes on anyway. "Did you love him? Graham?"

Her question comes out of left field and Regina immediately feels whatever walls that have been crumbling down in the past few weeks, she feels them build back up. "Did you love him?" She almost snaps, because it's easier to deflect instead of trying to remember how to be the Evil Queen she was before.

It's not rocket science that Henry's changed her, and that Emma destroyed her. It's embarrassingly small, what Regina has been reduced to, and yet, she's still undeserving of love. The Charmings have branded her as something vicious (which truly, she probably was) and they seem unmoved at her attempts to change. What's worse, is that Regina doesn't even want to feel this way. She doesn't want to beg for Henry's affection and love that he gives so freely to Emma. She doesn't want to, but she does.

"Shut up." Emma snaps harshly, her eyes narrow and her lips thin. "Answer the damn question."

It's a sign that Regina is no longer the woman that she once was, because her first instinct isn't to destroy Emma for her brashness. No, her first instinct is to pull away and hide, and that's nothing like the Queen she was, nothing like the woman she wants to be. She sighs though, because in a weird way Emma seems to understand her, and the feeling gives her as much of a high as it does make Regina uncomfortable.

"He was a victim of circumstance."

"Like you?"

"Excuse me?"

Emma grabs the bottle back from Regina. "You heard me."

Regina isn't sure what brought on all of this, but she's almost certain she doesn't like it. Still. It's nice to finally not be alone. It's nice to have company that isn't forced or trying to kill her. Regina grabs the bottle back in a manner that could be considered playful, but Regina just considers kind.

Regina sighed. "No. I needed him."

"Did you like him?"

Regina narrowed her eyes at Emma, irritation showing across her face. "I just told you."

"No," Emma starts slowly, in a way that makes Regina want to strangle her. "You told me you didn't love him, I'm asking if you liked him though."

Regina looks away, the bottle quickly being placed at her mouth. She swallowed three more lungfuls before turning her attention back to Emma, her head swimming at everything. "He was pleasant."

"That's not an answer." Emma responds playfully and it bugs Regina more than it should.

"Yes. He was good with Henry and adapt at pleasing me."

Emma frowns then, and Regina almost has half a mind to ask _why._ Why Emma's here, why she's asking Regina these questions, and why Regina's letting her. But silence has always been just that, and it's easier for Regina to continue in this moment then it is for her to break it. She's too hesitant to spend another night alone, constant reminders of how The Charmings bested her everywhere. At least in this moment she had something that they wanted. Emma, confessions, and time with their daughter.

"That's disgusting."

Regina smiles, she knows what Emma's words really mean, and it's interesting. "You already knew that we were participating in sexual activities, dear, so what exactly is so disgusting?"

Emma's face tinges pink and it's then that Regina has her answer. This night, this moment, all of it becomes insanely clear and Regina gets it. It's her moment, her card, the hand that she's been waiting for ever since Emma broke the curse and stole everything from her. Regina lifts the bottle to her mouth again because if she's really going to do this (whatever this is) she's going to be a lot more drunk.

Emma looks away then, as if the answer to Regina's question isn't obvious, and Regina almost smiles with glee.

Everything certainly just got abundantly more interesting.

* * *

"So, wait," Emma slurs drunkenly, her hair sticking to her sweaty forehead and her jacket tossed carelessly over Regina's couch as she tries to catch another almond in her mouth. When she misses again she places another dollar on Regina's carpet and turns her attention back to Regina. "How are you so good at this?"

It'd been a few hours and since then Regina had developed a plan that involved befriending and seducing Emma. It wasn't her best plan to be quite honest, but she was heavily intoxicated and it was the only plan thus far that alluded to Regina getting Henry back in her life. Even if it was only briefly, it was still something worth sacrificing her sense of self for, and it's that thought alone that terrifies Regina. She's changed too much to ever really go back, and it's scary.

Emma looks at all the money she's had to cough up over the course of a few hours and huffs. "I mean, seriously, you've won every single bet. How the hell?"

Regina grins, her smile all teeth and red and deception. "It's simple, Ms. Swan. I never take a bet I know I won't win."

Emma gets up on her knees then, her feet kicking the two bottles of Scotch that they'd managed to finish in the past few hours. She leans forward until her head is near Regina's knees. "How can someone so...so..."

"So what?" Regina asks, her patience wearing thin.

"So beautiful." Emma finishes, her words leaving easily on account of the alcohol. "Be so...cunning?"

Regina's heart freezes at Emma's words. She doesn't know what to make of what might be a compliment, but it's worse than Henry's harsh words. Regina doesn't know what to do with nice things, she never has, so she pushes it away as quickly as it came. "You'd be surprised."

Emma places her hands on Regina's knees and pulls herself up until she's eye level. Regina has half a mind to tell Emma that she's ruining Regina's silk pajamas with her lack of etiquette, but she has a plan and she needs to stick with it. Emma looks at Regina, her eyes glazed over and her expression soft, something that looks as uncomfortable to be as it is to see. "Why do you let people think you're so evil? You've done cruel things, but, you're not all bad. Why do let them treat you like you are?"

Regina wants to scoff, but Emma has hit a nail on it's head, so instead she looks away. "Why don't you hate me?"

Emma shrugs. "It's hard to hate someone who gave me Henry."

"I didn't _give_ him to _you_." Regina spits out.

"No," Emma hesitates. "But because of you I had him, I met him, and I know him. Maybe you didn't intend for those things, but they still happened because of your decision."

"How noble of you." Regina bites out, her old characteristics shining through with every uncomfortable moment that passes.

Emma licks her lips. "Maybe you were evil then, Regina, but I don't think you are now. Maybe you ruined lives by creating this world, but you also made some better. Maybe you did try to destroy my parents lives and try to take me away from them, but you weren't the one who stuck me in that wardrobe. You weren't the one that _chose_ to abandon me. You weren't the one who thought I'd be better with strangers than with my actual parents. So, yeah, maybe you're responsible for some of the shit that's happening, but you're not responsible for the choices that people made afterwards. You're not responsible for Gold, or Henry, or God, even my parents."

It's more than what Regina needs to hear, more than she wants to listen to, but it's out in the world all the same. It's then that Regina realizes just how much Emma is like her, and it's insane to realize it, but The Savior is probably the only person on this planet who gets her.

"Regina?" Emma asks, her face all softness and open, and her breath reeking of alcohol and everything else.

Regina freezes at the feelings she has to quell in her stomach. She wants to bear her heart open for Emma, she really does, but it's hard to let herself bear so much for someone so little (in her scheme of things).

She thinks that if there's any person that could make her want to try though, it's her, but just as quickly as the thought comes-well, it goes with the moment. Swiftly.

Instead of answering Emma, Regina places her hand on the back of Emma's neck and pulls Emma towards her roughly. It makes sense when their lips connect harshly that everything about this union would be rough, everything about them coming together would set something off.

Emma doesn't protest. She climbs up Regina's legs until she's practically straddling Regina (covering everything as if she owned it) and Regina has to stop herself from rolling her eyes at Emma's idea of dominance. The kiss isn't bad, but it isn't great either. Their lips fit together nicely and it's not as wet as when Graham would kiss her, however, it does nothing for Regina.

It isn't until Emma is kissing down her neck, her mouth nipping at Regina's collarbone, that Regina let's out a moan. Something akin to desire settles in the pit of her stomach and Regina suddenly wants everything and anything.

It makes a weird kind of sense that Emma would find the spot that took Daniel weeks to find, but she doesn't acknowledge it in the moment. If she acknowledges it, she gives it power.

Emma pulled away, her eyes dark and her lips swollen. "I fucking hate it, but I want this. Do you want this?"

Emma looks at Regina so openly and so honestly that Regina really can't handle it. She's not the type of person to give affection, she's not the woman to quell Emma's fears. She's not the type of person who will do anything but take and take until everyone feels what she felt when her future was snatched away. Somehow, Emma still seems to confide in her. Trust her, never, but want her? It's too much for Regina right now, and just like that, she's closing up her heart again. Barricading it, because it's better to be lonely than it is to be weak.

"Sure."


End file.
